


Without Her

by teeteeAOS



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-02
Updated: 2017-02-02
Packaged: 2018-09-21 15:38:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9555335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teeteeAOS/pseuds/teeteeAOS
Summary: She means everything to him and he can't imagine a life without her...





	

„We’re approaching, sir.“ Coulson can hear Mack through comms. They’ve found the location of Racliffe’s warehouse where the real May should be held. He’d be with Mack and others, searching for her but he’s unfortunately up in the Zephyr. It’s faster for Mack and others to look for her.

„Are you there?“ Coulson’s pretty impatient, he’s pacing up and down in the controlling center, waiting for every update from his people.

„Wait, I can see something…“

„What is that?“ Coulson stops for a moment, biting his knuckles impatiently. Daisy, Simmons and Koenigs are with him in the plane, all of them as nervous as he is.

„It’s…--.“ Mack doesn’t say anything else but all of them can hear his movements.

„I-I’ve found her but-.“ He doesn’t have time to finish his sentence as Coulson speaks up:

„Perfect! Simmons, get medical supplies and water in case she’s dehydrated, we need to go now. Daisy…“

„I am on it.“ She moves to the huge computer screen so she can activate Coulson’s and Jemma’s comms. 

„Sir, I-I’m…I’m afraid we won’t need it…“ Mack’s voice through comms is almost unnoticeable.

„What do you mean? We don’t have time for-.“

„Sir…she’s not breathing…“ Coulson’s world suddenly stops. He swallows hard, trying to process Mack words.

„Come again.“ He tries, maybe he just didn’t hear him well. He’s in a hurry any way, maybe he just missed something.

„I’m so sorry…she’s…she’s gone.“ Mack’s voice breaks down and now they can hear Fitz’s comforting words addressed to Mack and sniffing Elena in the background. World suddenly stops for all of them – Daisy slowly covers her mouth with her hand, tears falling down her face. Billy puts his hand on her shoulder in attempt to calm her down, at least a little bit.

„No…she’s not. Simmons! Get the things and let’s go.“ Coulson opens the door to the hangar. Jemma and Daisy exchange alarmed looks, they are both aware of what Coulson is doing right now – he’s denying the reality, he doesn’t want to believe it, he tries to convince himself that it’s just a lie. 

„Coulson!“ Daisy calls after him and all of them move to the hangar. Coulson makes another two steps before his legs can’t carry him anymore. He staggers a little bit before he leans against the cold wall of Zephyr. Simmons is by his side in a second.

„Sir…are you okay?“ She’s unable to see him clearly through tears that are in her eyes.

„No…no, please…please, I’m not loosing her, I’m not loosing her….I’m not-.“ His body is uncontrollably shaking and his fingers are digging into the flesh of his head. Jemma holds him close to her, she’s not sure if it’s more for his comfort or hers. She’s glad that Koenings know what to do in such situations – Billy is talking to Daisy and Sam’s getting a medical table that will be needed for agent May’s body.

„She-she doesn’t know, Jemma…she doesn’t know that I…I lo-.“His can’t even finish it, he just breaks down. Jemma doesn’t know what’s worse – May’s death or watching Coulson in this state. She wants to speak up, share some soothing phrases with him but the gate of Zephyr is slowly opening. After a few seconds they can see the reason why – there they are – Elena, Mace, Fitz and finally Mack holding the dead body of Melinda May, the legendary warrior of SHIELD. Jemma tries to hold Coulson at place but he pushes her away, running to the table where Mack’s slowly putting down the dead body of his Melinda.

„May! Wake up! May, hear me, please! Please!“ Mack starts crying again, he can’t bear the look at Coulson that is desperately trying to bring a dead woman back to life. It takes him back to the time when he himself was trying to bring his dead daughter back to life – he can relate to Coulson’s feelings right now.

Coulson holds her hand while his other is gently touching her face. He eases his forehead so it’s touching hers. 

„May, come on…wake up! Open your eyes, please! I know you’re there, I know you’re not gone…just open your eyes and tell me I’m an idiot….whatever…please!“ He holds her close, as close as he can. His head leaves her forehead so he can look at her. Her face is lifeless and he wants her to wake up so badly that he kisses her – he kisses her lips, trying to memorize the real taste of her. She tastes like blood, though.

„Mel…hear me, please! I want to tell you something so wake up! I-I bought a rose earlier today…I know you like them, even though you’d roll your eyes and tell me it’s a cliché…I-I want to tell you something important…just…“ His thumb is gently carresing her left cheekbone, her nose, her lips…He can see his tears on her face, he doesn’t have control over his emotions anymore. Others are just staring at him, broken as much as he is. It breaks their hearts even more to see him like that and to know there is nothing they can do to help him. Mack is hugging Daisy and Jemma and Fitz has left the hangar a few moments ago.

„You’re not waking up, are you? I’m…I’m not angry with you…I’m….I’m angry with me, you know, it’s my fault…I’m sorry…I’m so sorry…if I didn’t die, you’d-.“ Now he breaks down completely, he can’t talk anymore. He’s crying and screaming and it doesn’t seem to help him at all. It’s too much for him.

„Maybe we should take him someplace else.“ Elena gently touches Mack’s giant arm and he nods. She’s right, it’s not good for him to be here, he needs to calm down.

„Sir…let’s go.“

„No! I’m not leaving her! What if she…no, I’m not going anywhere.“ His grip on her hand tightens.

„Mack is right, you should go, Coulson.“ Koeing’s sister symphatize with him, though she knows what’s best for him.

„I’m not ready to say goodbye…I can’t. I have to tell her…she has to know…“ Mack looks back at Jemma and Daisy – Daisy nods and leaves Jemma alone with Billy and Sam. She stops a few steps from Coulson, looking at her former SO, saying goodbye in her head herself. 

„Tell her now, AC.“ She’s surprised that she can say something without sobs. Daisy reaches for his other hand, giving him an encouraging squeeze.

„Melinda…I-I lo-…no, I can’t…“ He wipes away his tears but it’s not possible to stop crying.

„She knew, sir.“ He doesn’t know how worried others are and that’s the last thing he cares about right now.

„Sir, we need to prepare her body for transport…you need to make some space for us to-.“

„NO Simmons! You’re not taking her from me!“ Mack and Mace exchange knowing looks, they know what they have to do, what Mace has to do.

„Phil, be reasonable. Go, take a shower and then come back when you’re alright.“ Mace’s diplomatic approach doesn’t seem to work, though.

„Reasonable?! Reasonable, really?! How the hell am I supposed to be reasonable?!! I just lost the most important thing in my life and you’re telling me to be reasonable?!“ Phil lets go of Melinda’s hand and moves closer to Mace. It gives Jemma and other medicians time to examine agent May’s body. That’s exactly what Mace wanted, he knows how to manipulate people and the best way to do so is through their emotions. He just hopes he won’t regret it later because Phil’s fists seem to be ready to fire and his lethal expression speaks for itself.

„Phil, calm down and come with me, hmm? Let’s sit down and get a drink.“ Phil’s fighting an urge to punch him in the face right there, in front of his team.

„I give a damn about a drink….I give a damn about YOU! Just get lost now, get away from my Melinda!“ The team has never seen him like that – he’s visibly very hurt and this is probably his way of coping with May’s death. Mace is right about something, though. Phil is not reasonable.

„She wouldn’t wa-.“

„Don’t…“ Coulson interrupts him so Mace doesn’t have time to say it all.

„It’s true, Phil. She woul-.“

„Don’t you dare!“

„I-.“ Phil loses his temper and punches him with his robotic hand. Mack runs to them, catches Coulson and drags him away from Mace so Coulson doesn’t have time to punch him again. 

„Okay sir, time to go.“ Mack makes the most of this opportunity to get Coulson to a different room. Everyone is relieved, no one wants to talk about it but they are also glad that someone has finally punched Mace in the face.  
_____________________________________________________________________

„How’s he holding up?“ Jemma comes to Daisy’s bunk. It’s been two hours since the incident and one hour since they came back to the base. Jemma wants to make sure he’s okay. Well, as much as he can be ok in a situation like that.

„What do you think?“ Daisy points at her laptop as she rests against the wall of her bunk. Daisy’s been watching him through the security cams.

„Wait, is he…“

„Yeah, he’s in her bunk. He cried, then stared at her pictures and now he’s playing with her aviators…I’d love to help him, but-.“

„But it’s not possible, yeah, I know.“ Jemma puts her hand on Daisy’s shoulder.

„He’ll never be the same.“  
____________________________________________________________________

_1 weel later_

„What’s going on?!“ Mack and Daisy burst into the medical bay as soon as Jemma called them. They can see Coulson, lying on a medical table.

„We had to sedate him…“ Fitz states as he passes some codes to his tablet.

„So he did it again.“ Daisy lays her eyes on Coulson’s lying form. She feels so sorry for him, everyone is sad – the base hasn’t been the same without May – but Coulson has taken it to the extreme.

„He found a knife in agent’s May bunk and cut himself twice. If we didn’t watch him on the screen….“Jemma doesn’t need to say more, they all know.

„But that’s the fourth time this week.“

„Yeah, what do we do?“

„We wait…he needs time…and us.“  
_________________________________________________________________

„Come on, AC …ughh.“ Daisy has been watching him on the screen of her laptop for the last four hours. She was on a mission earlier and instead of relaxing she’s chosen to watch over him.

„Ehm-ehm…may I?“ Mace steps into Daisy’s bunk, taking a seat right next to her so he can see what’s going on on the screen.

„How was the mission?“ She asks, not looking at him.

„Well, we arrested Radcliffe…finally the real one.“

„Hmm…we can’t tell him. He’d do something stupid.“ Daisy has her eyes glued to the screen, watching him carefully.

„He’s drunk again, isn’t he?“ 

„Yeah. Someone needs to take the empty bottle from him before he can…you know.“ Daisy is not ashamed of her teary eyes in front of Mace anymore. Actually, he’s been a great support for all of them lately.

„I’ll go.“  
__________________________________________________________________________

„Phil…what are you doing?“Mace appears in the door to May’s bunk with his arms crossed on his chest. Phil tries to get from one corner of her room to the place where is also situated her bed. Mace knows Phil’s drunk the whole whiskey bottle, he’s tottering like he’s drunk two, though.

„Ou, hey Jeffrey. You know, I thought you were smarter. This. This is whiskey…“ He points at his almost empty whiskey bottle.

„…and this…“ Now he points at himself.

„… is a desperate man trying to drink himself to unconsciousness.“ With those words he sits down on the floor next to May’s bed. Mace moves closer and when he’s just about 10 centimetres from sitting down on her bed, Phil stops him:

„No! It’s her bed…not yours…not mine…hers.“ He understands and sits down next to him, taking his almost empty bottle away.

„Hey!“

„No, Phil. You’ve had enough.“ Phil slowly opens Melinda’s drawer and puts out another bottle.

„She was a smart woman, you know. She had a bottle of cream vodka in her dra-…in this.“ Mace sighs and lets Coulson have another sip of alcohol.

„Have you slept?“ Mace knows Phil won’t give him a clear answer but this question has become a standard question. _Have you slept? Have you eaten? How much alcohol have you had?_

„I tried but whiskey didn’t let me. It said: Phil, let’s forget together. And I was weak.“ Mace sighs again. He can’t even imagine how much he must be hurt. Men like Coulson, they don’t do stupid things unless they lose their minds. And this Phil Coulson? He’s slowly losing his.

„Can I have a sip too?“ Coulson smirks and hands him the bottle. Mace usually pretends to drink, this is his favorite way to take bottles from him, but this time he takes a sip for real. It’s not just because cream  
vodka is his favorite.

„You know…Melinda and I…we shared a bedroom a couple of times…“ Phil starts and Mace lets him. He never talks about her and it seems like he’s come to the point where he can say something about her without suicidal thoughts and crying.

„…we lost our virginity together…we’d been afraid to lose it with a wrong person so we agreed to do it together. We were on a mission in Russia. It was cold over there. She went to the bathroom before coming to the bed and I had this idea … I moved to her side of the bed, kept it warm for her. When she came back I left her the warmer side and moved to the cold one. I kept her warm all night long. We did it in the morning. It was the best first time a guy like me could have imagined…“ He pauses for a moment, smiling and taking her aviators to his real hand. He’s unconsciously drawing patterns over them with his thumb as he continues:

„…she said it hadn’t hurt but I knew she was lying. I tried to make up for it later with hot chocolate and breakfast in bed. She gave me the most beautiful smile…“ He stops again and now it seems like he’s finished with talking. Mace is smart enough to know that now is the right time to talk some sense into him.

„Those are precious memories, Phil, you have to protect them. But you won’t protect them with all this drinking and self-loathing.“ Phil’s hands start to shake – he starts to realise his situation. Mace is right, he will lose her forever if he continues with this. 

„I’m an idiot...stupid…idiotic…“

„Hey, stop it. You can make it right.“

„What have I done, Jeffrey? Look at me, I’m a wreck.“ Coulson looks at his hands and Mace moves closer so he can comfort him.

„Ask yourself what she’d want you to do and go from there.“ Coulson looks him in the eyes, it’s probably the first time he exchanges a direct look with someone since Melinda’s death.

„She’d…she’d want me to get my shit together. She’d want me to get up and fight for what I believe in… she’d roll her eyes and tell me I’m like a kid…S-she’d tell me to take care of them…“Now he comes to a very important realisation.

„…take care of the kids…Daisy, Leo, Jemma…they, they need me.“

„Yes, Phil. They need you. We all need you to be a fighter again.“ It’s been a long day for Coulson and with all the alcohol in his system he can’t control his tears. He starts crying but this time it’s not the desperate kind of crying and Mace is glad for that. He’s not the only one, though. Daisy, Jemma, Fitz, Elena and Mack are watching the whole scene from Daisy’s bunk. Coulson will never bet he same but the fighter within him is back.  
_______________________________________________________________________

„Oh, hello sir.“

„Good morning, AC.“

„It’s a really nice rose.“

„Damn, Coulson, you smell great, what’s the occasion?“ He opens the door to the common area with a single rose in one hand and a cup of tea in the other. It’s been four years since Melinda’s death and he’s changed a lot since his little talk with Mace.

„I have something important to do.“ He finishes drinking of his tea and leaves an empty cup on the cupboard. He smiles at Daisy and goes to pursue his plan. It takes him just about 10 minutes to come to the SHIELD graveyard. He stops in front of a huge memorial and looks up so he can read what’s written on it. It’s his habit. 

_Dedicated to the bravest and most selfless agent SHIELD ever had. Melinda Qiaolian May – specialist, warrior, hero._

„Hey May…I’m sorry I couldn’t make it yesterday. Missions are getting more difficult. I know you’d give me one of your death glares and tell me to shut up and do my freaking job but I’m really sorry. I promised I’d come to visit you every day and…yeah. Today’s a special day, you know. I’m here to tell you something very important so listen up. I never got to tell you this, I actually never said that to anyone else so it might not be the best. Ehm-ehm…so…Melinda, you’re still the most important person in my life, even though you are not here to kick my ass for my stupid decisions. Daisy manages to do that almost as well as you used to, by the way. She’s getting better every day, they all are. But what I want to tell you is this, Melinda, you are the only woman I was willing to give my whole heart to. I still am. I love you and I want you to know that you are my driving force. Everything I do I do for you. With a little help of Talbot we managed to rebuild the SHIELD Academy and today’s the open day. It’s a big day for all of us, I wish you could be there and see all those future agents. I know you’d kill me for this but I changed the name of the academy to Melinda May’s Academy. We wanted to start anew and you deserve this. You deserve everything. I promise I won’t screw it up. Here’s a little present…“ He lays down the single rose he was holding in his hand.

„…I just hope they have a flower shop up there. You’d deny it but you’ve got used to getting roses every now and then. I’ll make sure to get you one every day when it’s time for me to join you. I can’t wait to see you again. Daisy’s coming, I have to go now. Melinda, thank you for everything.“

„Is everything okay?“ Daisy asks as soon as she approaches him. 

„Yeah. Let’s go. It’s time.“ He looks at the huge memorial again and Daisy smiles at him.

„She’ll be proud of us.“

„I’ll ask her some day.“

„AC?“

„But before that I have to save the world at least one more time!“

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry but I just had to *_*


End file.
